hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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