we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
