Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
