My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
