i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
