Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His nipple licking is glorious
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