My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
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What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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