Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
