I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
