I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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