Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
