dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
