I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
