You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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