I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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