My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
