If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
