No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
