I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
