did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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