Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
