smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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