A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
