dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
