I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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