fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
