i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
