I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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