her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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