Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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