The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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