I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
