These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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