Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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