I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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