am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
