I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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