his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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