And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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