remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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