WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
