hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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