Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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