Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
