when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
