enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
These tits shall not be calmed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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