Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
