Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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