Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Alive.
So much puke
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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