I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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