hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Randomize