Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Pooping to opera.
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