I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
