We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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