I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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